


Trembling Hands

by nerdytardis



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Romance, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 09:26:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13315272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdytardis/pseuds/nerdytardis
Summary: After a dangerous fire, Kelly has to deal with his actions and face his feelings for Matt.





	Trembling Hands

**Author's Note:**

> i started this ages ago, then found it half-written on my commuter yesterday and got inspired, so here you go
> 
> unbeta'd, so sorry for any mistakes  
> the title is a song by Temper Trap

Running head-first into danger came easy to him.  It was a part of the job; a defining part of his life. 

Right now though, his heart was racing in his chest and his fingers were jittering across the hem of his jacket. 

The smoke from his cigar wafted up and away from him, into the air that was beginning to nip with the chill of autumn.  Soon, the cold would take over and seep into the city, making everything crisp and painfully sharp.  For now it was just a dull warning of what was to come. 

“Hey.”

Kelly turned around, surprised, despite the fact that he’d been thinking about nothing but this confrontation all day.  He had managed to avoid Matt for the few days he was in the hospital, but now that he was out, it had only been a matter of time before they had to do this. 

“Hey.” He said, turning to face Matt.  He tried to hide his uncertainty, but he had never been good at keeping his emotions under control.  His boots scraped against the ground as he shuffled his feet.

He offered Matt a cigar without a word, and soon they lapsed into something that should have felt familiar.  But everything was off now, even the air between them held down with a different energy. 

“I think it would be a good idea for us to talk about this.”

Kelly gasped out a laugh, making Matt smile a little despite the tension still strung between them.  “Still a politician, even now.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”  He said, waving a hand vaguely to clean the air of his attempt at levity.  Nothing he did seemed to work out the way he thought it would these days.  “Go on.  Say—whatever it is you want to say.”

“Kelly,” Matt looked truly towards him, catching his glance for the first time, “You’re one of my best friends, and I don’t want…this, to get in the way of that.”

Great.  Perfect.  Exactly what he wanted to hear. 

There had been a small, stupid part of him that had held out hope for—something, besides an awkward hug and trying to move on like nothing happened.  But that had been a naïve thought.  This is what he always knew was coming. 

Still, Kelly felt his heart drop even deeper into his stomach under the crush of reality, but forced his gaze to stay squarely on Matt.  He wasn’t going to show any weakness now, not after everything that had happened. 

“Yeah.”  He managed to get out, even if it sounded sort of chewed up, “Of course.”

The words seemed paltry compared to what he had said before, the frantic, teary confessions that had rushed out before he realized what he was doing.

Holding desperately onto Matt’s hand as he tried to find a pulse, Kelly had felt the panic rise in him, nearly choke him.  Everything, all the years of watching and thinking and _feeling_ , had come boiling up into his throat and he hadn’t been able to breath under the weight of it all being thrown away in the basement of that shitty apartment building. 

He had been so sure that was the end. 

But Matt was still here, very much alive, and absently picking at some dirt on his jeans.

Waiting as patiently as he could manage—it was never his strong suit—Kelly shifted his focus back to his cigar and away from the tension evident in Matt’s entire frame.

“Did you really mean all of that?”

Matt’s words were quiet but sure, making Kelly smile sadly. 

Even in times like this, when he found himself on the opposite side of it, he couldn’t help but admire Matt’s unwavering ability to face the unexpected, to stand up straight even as the world was throwing everything it had at him.

“Yeah.” He said, looking down for a moment as he gathered himself enough to look across as Matt again, daring him to respond.  “All of it.”

Matt blinked at him, his face an unreadable jumble of shock and confusion. 

A darker part of Kelly wished that Matt would just get angry; yell at him, throw a punch.  That would be so much simpler than all this uncertainty and brittle words. 

“I thought—” Matt started before apparently thinking better of it.  He stopped and kept smoking his cigar for a moment. 

Kelly knew what was running through the other man’s head.  Might as well just get it over with. 

“There have been other guys,” he shrugged, “before this.”

Matt’s gaze flicked back over to him, before he nodded.  He made a noise of confirmation, but didn’t say anything else for a moment.

“Does anyone else know?”

Kelly looked over.  “About me, or about—what I said?”

Matt shrugged.  “Both, I guess.”

“Leslie knew, about pretty much all of it.”  Kelly valiantly ignored the way Matt was watching him, “That’s mostly it.”

“You’ve felt like this,” Matt said, not even trying to hide his surprise, “for that long?”

Kelly’s nerves, already shot, didn’t react well to that.  “Yeah.” He said, his tone sharp enough to stun Matt back into silence. 

The quiet stretched out again, even more uncomfortable somehow, until Kelly couldn’t handle it anymore.  He pushed what remained of his cigar into the cement under his foot and turned to fully face Matt. 

“Just get this over with.” He said, Matt staring back at him, “Say what you want to so we can just move on.”

“It’s not that simple Kelly.”

“Why can’t it be?”

“Because,” Matt put out his own cigar and turned so that they were standing face to face, “I’m not going to forget what you said anytime soon.”

Here we go.  The high-strung tension in Kelly’s gut started to turn into something more hot, and he relished in the simplicity it brought. 

“You—” Matt said, anger finally creeping into his tone, “You can’t just confess your love like that and expect people to move on.”

“Why not?”  Kelly said, “What about my feelings do you find so disturbing that you can’t even try to put things back the way they were?”

Matt made a distressed sound.  “I didn’t say that—”

“You didn’t have to.”  Kelly couldn’t do this anymore.  He started to move away, but Matt’s hand shot out to keep him in place. 

“Stop.” Matt took a breath, then looked Kelly in the eyes. 

Kelly forced himself to take a breath too and stand still, even as he itched to get as far away as he could from this entire situation.  

“I don’t want things to go back the way they were,” Matt held up a hand to stop Kelly from spitting out whatever his disappointment was churning on the edge of his tongue, “The way you talked about me, about us, was like nothing I’d ever heard you say before.  It was beautiful.”

Everything in Kelly came to a screeching halt. 

“I’m not going to forget it, because I don’t want to.” Matt kept talking, and Kelly found he couldn’t look away, “I never thought—” They hand gripping Kelly’s arm twitched a little, pulling him closer, and his heart skipped a beat. 

Kelly’s own hand, shaking again, began to reach up for Matt on instinct, and brushed against him.  Something in Matt seemed to consider, as Kelly’s emotions threatened to shudder right out of him. 

“What are you saying?” Kelly managed to ask, his mouth suddenly dry. 

“I’m not sure,” Matt held his gaze with a fiery intensity, “But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

Kelly realized, belatedly, that he was smiling again, something giddy bubbling up in his chest. 

“I’ve never stopped thinking about you.” He said, his hand finally finding its way to Matt’s cheek, “Since the day we met.”  Matt leaned into the touch without hesitation, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment, as he leaped without looking into whatever this was. 

The entire world was gone and Kelly was only aware of the man in front of him, of the way his skin was soft against his callused hand, “Do you want this?”

“I don’t want to jump in and mess anything up.” Matt said, opening his eyes again and finding Kelly’s gaze, “Not our friendship or our jobs, or,” his hand that was gripping Kelly’s arm slid down to rest against his waist, “whatever this is.  Give me time, to figure things out.”

“Okay.” Kelly’s face hurt from smiling so hard, “Yeah.  Of course.  All the time you need.”

Matt smiled back, and Kelly realized just how close they had gotten.  He brought his other hand up to rest it gently on Matt’s hip, scared that any wrong move will shatter this perfect little moment that he had been dreaming about for years.

Matt leaned in, their noses bumping before he titled his head and brushed their lips together in a chaste kiss that sent electricity shooting all the way through Kelly.  It was over too soon, Matt already pulling away, but the fact that it had happened at all was so much more than Kelly ever hoped for. 

“We’ll take it as slow as you want.” Kelly said, his hand brushing upwards to card through Matt’s short hair. 

Pulling them into a tight hug, Matt murmured “thank you” into Kelly’s shoulder.  Flush against each other, Kelly tightened his grip on Matt’s shirt a little, clinging to the fabric. 

After so long, so much silence, to be able to hold the man he loves barely a week after almost losing him—it was almost too much.  Kelly pressed his face into the crook of Matt’s neck, and felt the emotions welling up inside him. 

He wanted to say it, wanted to confess it all over again, but also needed this to work.  He couldn’t push, or dive in without looking like he always did.  This time, Kelly was going to take it slow, make it count. 

When they finally parted, Kelly’s eyes were wet with unshed tears.  He rubbed at them, letting out a shuddering laugh.

“Look what you’ve done to me.” He said, his voice thick with emotion.

Matt let out a breathy laugh too, reaching out a tentative hand to take Kelly’s and intertwine their fingers. 

“None of this is my fault.” He said, humor light on his tongue. 

“Oh yeah?” Kelly said, grinning like a fool, “I think it’s _all_ your fault, for always having to be the hero.  If you hadn’t gone back for that dog—”

“Hey.”  Matt pushed him a little, but never let their hands separate, and Kelly let out another soft laugh. 

Watching each other for a second, neither seemed to believe what had happened. 

“Let’s go, get a beer or something.”  Matt said, squeezing their hands a little.    

“Yeah.  That sounds good.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
